To my non-existent daughter.

My darling,
I am writing this so that one day, in-between the pages of a favorite book, you will read it and know just how much I love you.

As of yet, you have not been created. That isn't to say that you won't, one day, come into existence, but for now you are a sparkle in my imagination.

Sometimes I imagine what you will look like. Will you have my curly hair? Will you have my father's chin and flat feet? Will you look like your father?

The majority of the time, however, I wonder how I would raise you. Would I do a good job? Would I be a good enough mother to you? Would you grow up believing the things I always wanted to believe?

If I were lucky enough to have a daughter, I would tell you that you are beautiful, every day. Well, I'd at least try to tell you that you were beautiful every day. I know what it was like to want to hear that you were beautiful and the feelings when the words never came. Most of all, I want to tell you that you are beautiful because I want you to believe it. I want you to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are one of the most beautiful people ever born and no one can make you feel less than that.

I would read to you. I would want you to read and write and explore the world around you. I would want you to believe in Re-incarnation and the mythological gods. I would want you to believe that every story has a happy ending, even though it sometimes doesn't. I will teach you that life isn't always kind, that it will often be crueler than you can even imagine, but I still want you to believe that it is worth the living. I want you to believe that there is a happy ending waiting for you.

I would teach you that men can be liars, cruel and heartless. I would teach you that women can be conniving, heartless and backstabbing. I would teach you that men can be gentle, kind and caring. I would teach you that women can be confidantes, loving and supportive. There are two sides to every coin, sweetheart, there is good and bad in everyone.

I would want your father to be a part of your life, as mine wasn't in mine. I wouldn't want you to have the same insecurities about yourself that I had because I believed my father had abandoned me. I would want a good relationship with him, even if we weren't together, so that you would grow up knowing what a real relationship looks like.

I would teach you that even though your virginity is precious, that you are not a failure if it is given to the wrong person. I never want you to regret. Though you will do things in life that you'll wish you hadn't. That includes sexually. I want you to be able to talk to me about your sex life. Your concerns, your fears, your desires. I want you to be uninhibited. I want you to be whomever you will be.

I want you to love more than you hate. I want you to strongly dislike, never hate. I want you to make friends and travel and wish on stars. I want you to be brilliant, I know you will be. You are perfect. You will always be perfect, even if you fail. Even if you feel that your shine has been dimmed. You will always be the most amazing person to me.

I would expose you to all different types of music. I want you to be well-rounded. I want you to be eclectic like I am. I want you to find the beauty in everything, even when no one else can.

I have such high hopes and dreams for you, dear one. But I don't want you to live them out for my sake. I may have dreams for you, but I want you to have dreams of your own. If you don't want to be a doctor or an astronaut, I will support you, no matter what.

I want you to feel comfortable in your body. I want you to do whatever you want to your hair. I want you to pierce your nose and your ears and I want you to talk to me about tattoos. I want you to love someone as much I love you, as much as I love your father.

I want you to be politically active, never just accept something because someone says so. I want you to fight with me on things. I want you to argue your points. I want to be friends with you, while at the same time still being your mother.

I want you to grow up believing that you are beautiful and intelligent. And you don't need a relationship to make you happy. You don't have to have the latest everything to make you smile. I want you to be content with sunsets and the smell of hyacinths and the way the ocean looks after it rains. I want you to be perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect. I want you to be YOU.

I love you darling. I love you so much and I hope that one day, I am able to share these dreams with you and that you find this tucked away in your favorite book.

love,
Mommy.