To my dearest Pom Pomme Pomegranate,
This is an
exciting, and terrifying, time in your life. You have finally found a
man you really and truly love. You are embarking on a grand journey, an
adventure, because it is time. Your time, not anyone else's. It is time
to rise up to the challenges that are waiting (ooo, that sounded like a
fortune cookie fortune, maybe I should send that in?).
Seriously
though, even if you are a Gumiho and you have already given your
precious bead away, I will always love you. However, I'm not a rich
person so I can't afford to buy all that beef.
I want
you to know that I am always here for you, no matter what happens. No
matter what you do. Even if you aren't my real daughter, you are my kid.
You always have been (even when we were legally separated) and you
always will be (however, I get to keep Lee Jun Ki in the event of a
divorce).
No matter what anyone says, honey, you are
an AMAZING and WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL human being. You are childish at
times, but you are mature in a lot of ways. Even if I get frustrated
with something you do, I want you to know that I will always love you.
You
can do anything you want! (Okay somethings you can't do, but damn it
you can sure as hell try!) Who cares if you are a size 0? Who cares if
you sometimes trip over your English (which is fucking adorable, by the
way)? You are amazing because of what is inside you! And who cares for
just the exterior? You can wrap shit in a bow and make it look pretty,
doesn't make it pretty. Luckily, you are gorgeous, inside and out.
I'll
stop, I know you are going to start crying in a minute. But my God, you
are such a great kid. I am the luckiest Umma ever. Really! I can't
imagine my life without you in it. You make me smile, even if I am
feeling down. And I'm glad I've been able to do that for you too!
Fighting, ai!
lovers,
Umma
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
To my non-existent daughter.
My darling,
I am writing this so that one day, in-between the pages of a favorite book, you will read it and know just how much I love you.
As of yet, you have not been created. That isn't to say that you won't, one day, come into existence, but for now you are a sparkle in my imagination.
Sometimes I imagine what you will look like. Will you have my curly hair? Will you have my father's chin and flat feet? Will you look like your father?
The majority of the time, however, I wonder how I would raise you. Would I do a good job? Would I be a good enough mother to you? Would you grow up believing the things I always wanted to believe?
If I were lucky enough to have a daughter, I would tell you that you are beautiful, every day. Well, I'd at least try to tell you that you were beautiful every day. I know what it was like to want to hear that you were beautiful and the feelings when the words never came. Most of all, I want to tell you that you are beautiful because I want you to believe it. I want you to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are one of the most beautiful people ever born and no one can make you feel less than that.
I would read to you. I would want you to read and write and explore the world around you. I would want you to believe in Re-incarnation and the mythological gods. I would want you to believe that every story has a happy ending, even though it sometimes doesn't. I will teach you that life isn't always kind, that it will often be crueler than you can even imagine, but I still want you to believe that it is worth the living. I want you to believe that there is a happy ending waiting for you.
I would teach you that men can be liars, cruel and heartless. I would teach you that women can be conniving, heartless and backstabbing. I would teach you that men can be gentle, kind and caring. I would teach you that women can be confidantes, loving and supportive. There are two sides to every coin, sweetheart, there is good and bad in everyone.
I would want your father to be a part of your life, as mine wasn't in mine. I wouldn't want you to have the same insecurities about yourself that I had because I believed my father had abandoned me. I would want a good relationship with him, even if we weren't together, so that you would grow up knowing what a real relationship looks like.
I would teach you that even though your virginity is precious, that you are not a failure if it is given to the wrong person. I never want you to regret. Though you will do things in life that you'll wish you hadn't. That includes sexually. I want you to be able to talk to me about your sex life. Your concerns, your fears, your desires. I want you to be uninhibited. I want you to be whomever you will be.
I want you to love more than you hate. I want you to strongly dislike, never hate. I want you to make friends and travel and wish on stars. I want you to be brilliant, I know you will be. You are perfect. You will always be perfect, even if you fail. Even if you feel that your shine has been dimmed. You will always be the most amazing person to me.
I would expose you to all different types of music. I want you to be well-rounded. I want you to be eclectic like I am. I want you to find the beauty in everything, even when no one else can.
I have such high hopes and dreams for you, dear one. But I don't want you to live them out for my sake. I may have dreams for you, but I want you to have dreams of your own. If you don't want to be a doctor or an astronaut, I will support you, no matter what.
I want you to feel comfortable in your body. I want you to do whatever you want to your hair. I want you to pierce your nose and your ears and I want you to talk to me about tattoos. I want you to love someone as much I love you, as much as I love your father.
I want you to be politically active, never just accept something because someone says so. I want you to fight with me on things. I want you to argue your points. I want to be friends with you, while at the same time still being your mother.
I want you to grow up believing that you are beautiful and intelligent. And you don't need a relationship to make you happy. You don't have to have the latest everything to make you smile. I want you to be content with sunsets and the smell of hyacinths and the way the ocean looks after it rains. I want you to be perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect. I want you to be YOU.
I love you darling. I love you so much and I hope that one day, I am able to share these dreams with you and that you find this tucked away in your favorite book.
love,
Mommy.
I am writing this so that one day, in-between the pages of a favorite book, you will read it and know just how much I love you.
As of yet, you have not been created. That isn't to say that you won't, one day, come into existence, but for now you are a sparkle in my imagination.
Sometimes I imagine what you will look like. Will you have my curly hair? Will you have my father's chin and flat feet? Will you look like your father?
The majority of the time, however, I wonder how I would raise you. Would I do a good job? Would I be a good enough mother to you? Would you grow up believing the things I always wanted to believe?
If I were lucky enough to have a daughter, I would tell you that you are beautiful, every day. Well, I'd at least try to tell you that you were beautiful every day. I know what it was like to want to hear that you were beautiful and the feelings when the words never came. Most of all, I want to tell you that you are beautiful because I want you to believe it. I want you to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are one of the most beautiful people ever born and no one can make you feel less than that.
I would read to you. I would want you to read and write and explore the world around you. I would want you to believe in Re-incarnation and the mythological gods. I would want you to believe that every story has a happy ending, even though it sometimes doesn't. I will teach you that life isn't always kind, that it will often be crueler than you can even imagine, but I still want you to believe that it is worth the living. I want you to believe that there is a happy ending waiting for you.
I would teach you that men can be liars, cruel and heartless. I would teach you that women can be conniving, heartless and backstabbing. I would teach you that men can be gentle, kind and caring. I would teach you that women can be confidantes, loving and supportive. There are two sides to every coin, sweetheart, there is good and bad in everyone.
I would want your father to be a part of your life, as mine wasn't in mine. I wouldn't want you to have the same insecurities about yourself that I had because I believed my father had abandoned me. I would want a good relationship with him, even if we weren't together, so that you would grow up knowing what a real relationship looks like.
I would teach you that even though your virginity is precious, that you are not a failure if it is given to the wrong person. I never want you to regret. Though you will do things in life that you'll wish you hadn't. That includes sexually. I want you to be able to talk to me about your sex life. Your concerns, your fears, your desires. I want you to be uninhibited. I want you to be whomever you will be.
I want you to love more than you hate. I want you to strongly dislike, never hate. I want you to make friends and travel and wish on stars. I want you to be brilliant, I know you will be. You are perfect. You will always be perfect, even if you fail. Even if you feel that your shine has been dimmed. You will always be the most amazing person to me.
I would expose you to all different types of music. I want you to be well-rounded. I want you to be eclectic like I am. I want you to find the beauty in everything, even when no one else can.
I have such high hopes and dreams for you, dear one. But I don't want you to live them out for my sake. I may have dreams for you, but I want you to have dreams of your own. If you don't want to be a doctor or an astronaut, I will support you, no matter what.
I want you to feel comfortable in your body. I want you to do whatever you want to your hair. I want you to pierce your nose and your ears and I want you to talk to me about tattoos. I want you to love someone as much I love you, as much as I love your father.
I want you to be politically active, never just accept something because someone says so. I want you to fight with me on things. I want you to argue your points. I want to be friends with you, while at the same time still being your mother.
I want you to grow up believing that you are beautiful and intelligent. And you don't need a relationship to make you happy. You don't have to have the latest everything to make you smile. I want you to be content with sunsets and the smell of hyacinths and the way the ocean looks after it rains. I want you to be perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect. I want you to be YOU.
I love you darling. I love you so much and I hope that one day, I am able to share these dreams with you and that you find this tucked away in your favorite book.
love,
Mommy.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Wilted
Dear ____,
I believe you could never love me because you will never truly know me. I can't let you know me. I put up all the walls, even though I want to tear them down.
I do this with everyone. I want you to hate me because I'm not worthy of your love. But it would kill me if you hated me. I push you away, but I want you to be with me. I want you to love me, in spite of myself. In spite of my crushing self-esteem issues. In spite of my everything.
I want you. I want YOU.
And I don't.
I want to be taken, as I am. I want it to be time for my dreams, my hopes, my desires.
I want this lifetime to be rich with experience. I want it to be sated like a satisfied lover. I want to give you my everything.
And I don't want you.
I want the idea of you. I want the ____ I have created in my mind. The one who has grown out of childish desire and teenaged fantasies of semi-better times. I want to be more to you than I am because it would be a fulfillment of sorts. A way to be more than I am.
You want someone strong. Strong enough to counter-balance your weak moments. I am too weak. I am too fragile to even hold. I fly to pieces at the slightest jab. No. That isn't true. I bear up rather nicely in public. I bear up under a lot of pressure. Even though I feel my legs weakening. Even though I feel my everything weakening.
I'm not perfect. And I want to be. I want to be perfect for you. Even though I don't want to be perfect for anyone but myself.
You make me shine. Shine and wilt. Wilting, wilting, wilted.
That's all it takes. You shine and I long to shine too and I wilt instead.
I believe you could never love me because you will never truly know me. I can't let you know me. I put up all the walls, even though I want to tear them down.
I do this with everyone. I want you to hate me because I'm not worthy of your love. But it would kill me if you hated me. I push you away, but I want you to be with me. I want you to love me, in spite of myself. In spite of my crushing self-esteem issues. In spite of my everything.
I want you. I want YOU.
And I don't.
I want to be taken, as I am. I want it to be time for my dreams, my hopes, my desires.
I want this lifetime to be rich with experience. I want it to be sated like a satisfied lover. I want to give you my everything.
And I don't want you.
I want the idea of you. I want the ____ I have created in my mind. The one who has grown out of childish desire and teenaged fantasies of semi-better times. I want to be more to you than I am because it would be a fulfillment of sorts. A way to be more than I am.
You want someone strong. Strong enough to counter-balance your weak moments. I am too weak. I am too fragile to even hold. I fly to pieces at the slightest jab. No. That isn't true. I bear up rather nicely in public. I bear up under a lot of pressure. Even though I feel my legs weakening. Even though I feel my everything weakening.
I'm not perfect. And I want to be. I want to be perfect for you. Even though I don't want to be perfect for anyone but myself.
You make me shine. Shine and wilt. Wilting, wilting, wilted.
That's all it takes. You shine and I long to shine too and I wilt instead.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Letting it get to You.
Dear _____,
This is ridiculous. You aren't a bad writer. You aren't "unabashedly unreadable" (which makes no sense, as I mentioned before). You need to work on your grammar and your spelling. There are a few kinks to the story, but it is a GOOD story. I wouldn't agree to help you with it if I didn't believe in its potential!
You need to take a step back and look at this. Think about this.
Do you really want to write?
Do you enjoy writing?
Is it something you want to do with your life?
If you answered yes to all three of those questions than you need to know that it is an uphill battle. You have to fight for what you want. It isn't just handed to you. If you want to write, DO IT! Don't let someone else's opinion change your desires. Don't let someone else dictate what you want to do! Work for it. Fight for it. DO IT!
Its ridiculous to suddenly just stop and say "I'm not doing this anymore."
You are acting like a child. Stop it. You are better than that! You are an intelligent and creative human being and it is demeaning to yourself to act this way.
If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't say these things. I would hate to see a bright star diminished just because he isn't appreciated by a couple of people. That's beneath you.
If you want someone to stand next to you on the uphill battle, I'm there. I'm willing, and able, to help you with your writing. I'm willing to help with grammar and spelling. Those are things I enjoy and I'm more than happy to help you with them. I am willing to be a test reader. I will be honest with you!
Don't give up. I have really enjoyed this story so far and I would hate for it to end before its even been properly finished.
sincerely, and with much love,
Sarai
This is ridiculous. You aren't a bad writer. You aren't "unabashedly unreadable" (which makes no sense, as I mentioned before). You need to work on your grammar and your spelling. There are a few kinks to the story, but it is a GOOD story. I wouldn't agree to help you with it if I didn't believe in its potential!
You need to take a step back and look at this. Think about this.
Do you really want to write?
Do you enjoy writing?
Is it something you want to do with your life?
If you answered yes to all three of those questions than you need to know that it is an uphill battle. You have to fight for what you want. It isn't just handed to you. If you want to write, DO IT! Don't let someone else's opinion change your desires. Don't let someone else dictate what you want to do! Work for it. Fight for it. DO IT!
Its ridiculous to suddenly just stop and say "I'm not doing this anymore."
You are acting like a child. Stop it. You are better than that! You are an intelligent and creative human being and it is demeaning to yourself to act this way.
If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't say these things. I would hate to see a bright star diminished just because he isn't appreciated by a couple of people. That's beneath you.
If you want someone to stand next to you on the uphill battle, I'm there. I'm willing, and able, to help you with your writing. I'm willing to help with grammar and spelling. Those are things I enjoy and I'm more than happy to help you with them. I am willing to be a test reader. I will be honest with you!
Don't give up. I have really enjoyed this story so far and I would hate for it to end before its even been properly finished.
sincerely, and with much love,
Sarai
Monday, May 13, 2013
I Stumble sometimes...
Dear StumbleUpon,
You are amazing. Wonderful. Fabulous, even. However, I have the feeling you are going to be the death of me. Well, that you'll cause the death of my relationship with Sleep. You see, Sleep suspects that you are doing stuff to keep us apart... And I have to agree. You've been showing me an awful lot of AMAZING stuff recently. You aren't jealous are you?
As a side note the following blew my mind:
www.learning-mind.com/10-mind-blowing-theories-that-will-change-your-perception-of-the-world/
I love you, StumbleUpon. Please don't make me choose between you and Sleep.
love,
Sarah
You are amazing. Wonderful. Fabulous, even. However, I have the feeling you are going to be the death of me. Well, that you'll cause the death of my relationship with Sleep. You see, Sleep suspects that you are doing stuff to keep us apart... And I have to agree. You've been showing me an awful lot of AMAZING stuff recently. You aren't jealous are you?
As a side note the following blew my mind:
www.learning-mind.com/10-mind-blowing-theories-that-will-change-your-perception-of-the-world/
I love you, StumbleUpon. Please don't make me choose between you and Sleep.
love,
Sarah
Friday, May 10, 2013
A dream away
Dear attractive figment of my imagination/dream consciousness,
I appreciate that you tried to give me $60.08 for a guitar. You are probably right, I need more guitar in my life. I could probably stand to learn to play. I would love to, in fact. Is this your way of telling me I need to do more of what I dream of doing? If so, maybe you should've given me a couple thousand for a motorcycle too.
What I am confused on, however, is why you suddenly became a leprechaun type creature before getting mutilated by zombies... And why that was somehow recorded into reality so that I could re-wind and not really save you. My confusion mounted as you turned into a lovely origami Chinese dragon which then got torn up by the zombies.
My kisses on your little origami dragon head somehow helped, I'm not sure why. But then you turned into an even bigger origami dragon and flew away leaving me wondering what I was going to do with the $0.08 you gave me when Guitars are so much more than $60 and some change...
In short, maybe its time you settled down. Hm?
love,
Sarah
I appreciate that you tried to give me $60.08 for a guitar. You are probably right, I need more guitar in my life. I could probably stand to learn to play. I would love to, in fact. Is this your way of telling me I need to do more of what I dream of doing? If so, maybe you should've given me a couple thousand for a motorcycle too.
What I am confused on, however, is why you suddenly became a leprechaun type creature before getting mutilated by zombies... And why that was somehow recorded into reality so that I could re-wind and not really save you. My confusion mounted as you turned into a lovely origami Chinese dragon which then got torn up by the zombies.
My kisses on your little origami dragon head somehow helped, I'm not sure why. But then you turned into an even bigger origami dragon and flew away leaving me wondering what I was going to do with the $0.08 you gave me when Guitars are so much more than $60 and some change...
In short, maybe its time you settled down. Hm?
love,
Sarah
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
A Liar, by any other name.
Dear ___,
Its fitting that you changed your name to Jacob.
Especially since it means "liar." You've spent your whole life telling lies, being hypocritical, two faced, etc. Its fitting that Jacob lied and stole from his own family. You lied about your love. You stole my youth, stole my everything.
You had Leah, a perfectly good wife, and you still kept lusting after a Rachel. Oh you were faithful, faithful in that you didn't have sex with another woman. But you were never faithful in your heart.
You believed you would be the father of nations, a king to rule. And then my mother turned out to be a Rachel in a baby sense. Unable to carry five children to term. And you stood in that pulpit, crying, mourning as if you were the only one affected by the loss. You act as if you are the only one who has ever been abused or hurt.
You talk about how your mother and father harmed your psyche (a word I'm sure you don't know how to spell or even pronounce), your "manhood," your sexuality.
What about my womanhood? My sexuality? Or _____'s manhood and sexuality? What about ______? Did it ever occur to you that you have damaged us in more ways than your parents ever damaged you?
You make excuses, hide behind your terrible childhood, adolescence.
"I was abused." You abused us.
"I was damaged." You damaged us.
Why don't you be a fucking man and own up to your mistakes? Why don't you stop whining and boo hooing?
"Oh, poor Jacob." Oh, poor you! Stop hiding behind your pathetic excuses and be a real man.
If I were a man, I would fight you. I would say all of these things to your face, because you are a coward. You will bow out. A man so deep in the closet because he hates what he doesn't understand. I wish I could make you see.
I wish I could shove your nose in all the shit you forced on us. All the pain, the heartache, the heartbreak. I wish I could force you to look at yourself and see.
Wishes are useless, however.
In the end I am left marveling at the irony of your choice in name. "Jacob hath I loved," said God. So you imagine yourself beloved by heaven. Jacob is a liar and a thief. How fitting that a "jealous" and "angry" God would love a liar like you.
Its fitting that you changed your name to Jacob.
Especially since it means "liar." You've spent your whole life telling lies, being hypocritical, two faced, etc. Its fitting that Jacob lied and stole from his own family. You lied about your love. You stole my youth, stole my everything.
You had Leah, a perfectly good wife, and you still kept lusting after a Rachel. Oh you were faithful, faithful in that you didn't have sex with another woman. But you were never faithful in your heart.
You believed you would be the father of nations, a king to rule. And then my mother turned out to be a Rachel in a baby sense. Unable to carry five children to term. And you stood in that pulpit, crying, mourning as if you were the only one affected by the loss. You act as if you are the only one who has ever been abused or hurt.
You talk about how your mother and father harmed your psyche (a word I'm sure you don't know how to spell or even pronounce), your "manhood," your sexuality.
What about my womanhood? My sexuality? Or _____'s manhood and sexuality? What about ______? Did it ever occur to you that you have damaged us in more ways than your parents ever damaged you?
You make excuses, hide behind your terrible childhood, adolescence.
"I was abused." You abused us.
"I was damaged." You damaged us.
Why don't you be a fucking man and own up to your mistakes? Why don't you stop whining and boo hooing?
"Oh, poor Jacob." Oh, poor you! Stop hiding behind your pathetic excuses and be a real man.
If I were a man, I would fight you. I would say all of these things to your face, because you are a coward. You will bow out. A man so deep in the closet because he hates what he doesn't understand. I wish I could make you see.
I wish I could shove your nose in all the shit you forced on us. All the pain, the heartache, the heartbreak. I wish I could force you to look at yourself and see.
Wishes are useless, however.
In the end I am left marveling at the irony of your choice in name. "Jacob hath I loved," said God. So you imagine yourself beloved by heaven. Jacob is a liar and a thief. How fitting that a "jealous" and "angry" God would love a liar like you.
In "loveing" memory.
Dear Jerk in front of me who glared as he passed,
You spelled "loving" wrong on your "In loving memory" sticker.
It's "loving" not "loveing."
sincerely,
Me.
You spelled "loving" wrong on your "In loving memory" sticker.
It's "loving" not "loveing."
sincerely,
Me.
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