Dear Self,
Sometimes, usually when I am alone, I think about what it would be like if I no longer existed. What if I faded into the oblivion and the me that used to be was erased? I think about these things and I think about all the times I tried to make it so.
Dear Self,
You can't let me no longer exist. I can't just give up on the world because I feel like it. It is silly to kill oneself. Selfish and silly, even if at the time the reasons seem right. It's wrong. It's cruel to those around you.
Dear Self,
Sometimes, when I think like that I just wish I still practiced cutting, just to let it out of my skin. It never helps though. It has never actually helped. All it did was create an even deeper self-loathing. The need to extricate myself from my body is strong, but the desire to prove myself better than that is stronger. The desire to make it when there is so much to bring me down and to the brink is what keeps me from all that stupidity. The desire to prove to myself that I am worth all the trouble people have put into me. That I am worth all the time and effort I've put into myself. That is what makes me keep going even though on days, like today, I just want to say "fuck it" and let it all go.
Dear Self,
You can't do that, you know. You can't just give up now. We're finally in a place to be happy. You have to stop conjuring trouble because you are afraid to be happy, afraid the other shoe is about to drop. You can't let it get to you. You can't let YOU get to you.
Dear Self,
You need to love you. I'm sorry I can't say it to you in the mirror. It seems so ridiculous to look at my reflection and tell it that it is loved. Somewhere deep inside of me, I am proud of the person I am and I love that person. But it has gotten so buried over time that I'm starting to lose touch with it. But I promise to keep the hounds at bay and leave the past in the past. We can't keep bringing these pains and these regrets to bed with us. They never help.
Dear Self,
Let. It. Go. Everything that bothers you. Everything that is making you cry. All the doubts and the frustrations and the self-loathing. You have to let it go. Let it go for the both of us.
love,
Sarai
Sometimes, usually when I am alone, I think about what it would be like if I no longer existed. What if I faded into the oblivion and the me that used to be was erased? I think about these things and I think about all the times I tried to make it so.
Dear Self,
You can't let me no longer exist. I can't just give up on the world because I feel like it. It is silly to kill oneself. Selfish and silly, even if at the time the reasons seem right. It's wrong. It's cruel to those around you.
Dear Self,
Sometimes, when I think like that I just wish I still practiced cutting, just to let it out of my skin. It never helps though. It has never actually helped. All it did was create an even deeper self-loathing. The need to extricate myself from my body is strong, but the desire to prove myself better than that is stronger. The desire to make it when there is so much to bring me down and to the brink is what keeps me from all that stupidity. The desire to prove to myself that I am worth all the trouble people have put into me. That I am worth all the time and effort I've put into myself. That is what makes me keep going even though on days, like today, I just want to say "fuck it" and let it all go.
Dear Self,
You can't do that, you know. You can't just give up now. We're finally in a place to be happy. You have to stop conjuring trouble because you are afraid to be happy, afraid the other shoe is about to drop. You can't let it get to you. You can't let YOU get to you.
Dear Self,
You need to love you. I'm sorry I can't say it to you in the mirror. It seems so ridiculous to look at my reflection and tell it that it is loved. Somewhere deep inside of me, I am proud of the person I am and I love that person. But it has gotten so buried over time that I'm starting to lose touch with it. But I promise to keep the hounds at bay and leave the past in the past. We can't keep bringing these pains and these regrets to bed with us. They never help.
Dear Self,
Let. It. Go. Everything that bothers you. Everything that is making you cry. All the doubts and the frustrations and the self-loathing. You have to let it go. Let it go for the both of us.
love,
Sarai
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