Dear Bill O'Reilly,

Dear Bill O'Reilly,
I would LOVE to inform you that just because you don't speak a language doesn't mean that it is being sung in something other than words.
Also, I would like to say that I used to admire you when I was a kid and watched F

ox News (Faux News) religiously. I'm glad that I stopped being brainwashed by racist and idiotic people like you.
http://www.allkpop.com/2012/11/political-commentator-bill-oreilly-insults-psys-gangnam-style
Sincerely,
Sarai

Dear Self, (part II)

Dear Self,
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You aren't the strongest person in the world, but you ARE strong. It's time you be a little nicer to you and remember that what hasn't killed you has made you stronger. And everything that has happened has made you who you are today.
Love,
Me.

Dear Self,

Dear Self,
Sometimes, usually when I am alone, I think about what it would be like if I no longer existed. What if I faded into the oblivion and the me that used to be was erased? I think about these things and I think about all the times I tried to make it so.

Dear Self,
You can't let me no longer exist. I can't just give up on the world because I feel like it. It is silly to kill oneself. Selfish and silly, even if at the time the reasons seem right. It's wrong. It's cruel to those around you.

Dear Self,
Sometimes, when I think like that I just wish I still practiced cutting, just to let it out of my skin. It never helps though. It has never actually helped. All it did was create an even deeper self-loathing. The need to extricate myself from my body is strong, but the desire to prove myself better than that is stronger. The desire to make it when there is so much to bring me down and to the brink is what keeps me from all that stupidity. The desire to prove to myself that I am worth all the trouble people have put into me. That I am worth all the time and effort I've put into myself. That is what makes me keep going even though on days, like today, I just want to say "fuck it" and let it all go.

Dear Self,
You can't do that, you know. You can't just give up now. We're finally in a place to be happy. You have to stop conjuring trouble because you are afraid to be happy, afraid the other shoe is about to drop. You can't let it get to you. You can't let YOU get to you.

Dear Self,
You need to love you. I'm sorry I can't say it to you in the mirror. It seems so ridiculous to look at my reflection and tell it that it is loved. Somewhere deep inside of me, I am proud of the person I am and I love that person. But it has gotten so buried over time that I'm starting to lose touch with it. But I promise to keep the hounds at bay and leave the past in the past. We can't keep bringing these pains and these regrets to bed with us. They never help.

Dear Self,
Let. It. Go. Everything that bothers you. Everything that is making you cry. All the doubts and the frustrations and the self-loathing. You have to let it go. Let it go for the both of us.

love,
Sarai

Dear B___,

Dear B___ (and W____),
Despite what you may or may not believe, just because I wear the hijab does not mean that I am weak or able to be bullied. I also, don't tolerate people bullying my friends. You can't possibly believe that you can get away with this. Just because no one wanted to stand up to you before doesn't mean I'll stand down. You have me in the Catch-22, right now, but you won't for long. You'll never change. Which means there will always be something I can use against you. And when the time is right I will do that.

I find it funny that you can't say these terrible things to my face, but you can spew your venom at a completely innocent party. We've been working together for over a year and yet you've never been able to say anything to my face. I know you've been talking behind my back. R___ told me. You know why she told me? Because she truly cares about me, unlike you.

All this time you were attempting to ingratiate yourself into my good opinions. None of it was true. I should've recognized the symptoms of your disease, it's one I've encountered before. Many times, in fact.

And W____, you have broken my heart. I thought, I hoped, that you were just a sheep being lead by B___. I hoped that it was just her strong "personality" that made you behave the way you did. But this, this just tears me up. Because I truly loved you. B___ I could take or leave, but I adored you. I looked at you as another grandmotherly figure. No, we didn't always agree on politics and there was that one awful argument where you told me "God forgive me for what I'm thinking about you right now." But I thought that it was, once again, B___'s bad influence and that you weren't really like that. I see now that I was horrifically mistaken and that you are a far worse monster than I took you for. It both horrifies and nauseates me. I wish I had never cared about you because this is one of the worst feelings I've ever had.

And you both call yourselves Christians. You are part of the reason I don't believe in God anymore, part of the reason I've gone off in search of something to believe in. I would love to say that you are the reason I turned to Allah, but that isn't true. I turned to Allah because I wanted to believe in something and because I have been on this path since high school. Since that first day I brought the KKK out of hiding, I've been playing with this fire and I am going to be burned. I know I will, but at least I will have tried something, whereas you have brought shame upon yourselves and your God.

You may believe that I will back down, but I won't. This is a "Henry Higgins" moment, just you wait. I may come across as a lamb, but I am the tigress and you will have the claws. It's only a matter of when, not if.

In the meantime, I hope that you are happy with yourselves. I know you aren't. I know you are both miserable. Maybe if you weren't so hateful, you would be happy. Maybe if you didn't lie and hate and drag God through the mud, you would be happy and healthy.

As it is, S____ is a better person than you will EVER be and I hope he gets to watch your downfall.

Sincerely,
Sarai

Dear Adam,

Dear Adam,
I forget sometimes, that I have a crush on you. Which seems quite silly, but it happens. I don't talk to you as much as I used to so when we actually get to talk I am always shocked by the strength of the feelings I have always had for you.

I'm so silly. I have written you all sorts of poems and letters before now, confessing said "love." And I do love you. Very much so. I promise not to hold it against you.

It seems crazy that it has been eight years since we met. Can you believe it? You say I'm a cool cat and I make you laugh. And I giggle like a little girl because I love it when you say stuff like that. I love everything about you really. Your sense of humor, your face, YOU.

Do you remember when you first told me that you loved me? We were on the four-wheeler together on Jo's property. Just the two of us and I know she was jealous because she had a crush on you too. And I tried to be independent and refrain from touching you, but then you made the four-wheeler jump so that I had to grab you or fall off. And then I was too, what's the correct word? Too happy to be touching you. You felt wonderful in my arms. I don't mean of that in a sexual manner either. I was just happy to be that close to you.

And I don't quite remember what I said, but you told me you loved me. And I couldn't say it back because I didn't know how, but I've said it a million times since then. Not that it matters, because I don't think you've said it once since that day 8 years ago.

However, it is days like today that remind me all over again why I adore you. I wish we had more days like today. I almost wish I wasn't married so I could tell you all of this for real, see if you would be interested. I know you wouldn't be. Though, as you have said to me "you've not said it, so it is quite unlikely that you 'know' it." Why must you always be right?

Ah, stop it. You are making me feel all squishy on the inside. I wish I had had the courage then, mon ami, to tell you how I felt. Would things be different? Probably not. You would still be half a world away from me, telling me to visit, and I would still be longing for you.

Is it appropriate to tell myself "bonne courage" at this moment? Because I think I need all the courage I can muster to not spoil this lovely friendship with sentiments that can no longer be expressed and followed.

love,
Sarai

Dear Adam,

Dear Adam,
Thank you for helping me destroy my dreams of going to any Asian country ever in such a humorous way. I can always count on you. ;)
love,
Sarai

Dear Memere,

Dear Memere,
I've been writing you a lot lately. I don't know why, but the older I get the more I miss you and the more I want to talk to you. I guess this is our only way to communicate now. Me writing letters to you. Can you read letters where you are? Is there an afterlife? Is there a God?

I thought I would tell you about my life as it stands now, since you aren't here to actually experience it. I am a democrat, first off. The elections are over and I am so happy with our President. I truly adore him and believe he is one of the best presidents ever. Auntie hates him.

I am bisexual, Memere. Would you care? Would I even get up the nerve to tell you if you were still living? I've never actually mentioned it to Auntie, though I haven't hidden it from her. Mom knows, but she pretends it is just a phase. Which hurts, sometimes. It hurts that she can't seem to accept me for who I am. I know I should tell her that some of the things she has sad in the past have hurt my feelings, but I can't bring myself to. Would you be able to accept me?

I am married, which I think I mentioned before. Sometimes I wonder if I married too young, Memere. I care about Donnie, I really do. But lately I keep wishing we hadn't gotten married. Though I don't think I would've enjoyed just living together forever either. That's still frowned upon. I don't know, I just feel like there is a disconnect somewhere and I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I've lost all the feelings I had for him, but I don't want to give up on him because a part of me doesn't want to hurt him. I don't want to give up on this because we've worked too damn hard and too damn long to lose it all now. Maybe I am overreacting because of all the recent stress in my life.

My car broke down and I had to pay $233.63 to get it fixed. AKA: All the money I had saved up. I should be glad it was just the starter and not something worse, but it's hard to be grateful when I know my transmission is getting ready to go and I don't have the money for a new car. Or even a NEWER car. Or even an old car, really.

My darling Memere, you've been gone for fourteen years, and even though you are so very far away from me, I feel almost like you are here with me. It makes me feel a little better, even though I still miss you more than practically anything. I still wish you were here so I could hug you.

I love you.
Sarai