To Someone I once loved...

Dear __________,
     There are no words venomous enough to use against you at this point in time. I only wish there were so that I might convey my deepest contempt for you and your self-righteousness. At one point I loved you, but it was so long ago now that I can't even remember what it feels like to love you. There are absolutely no mature or adult words to tell you how Done I am with you and everything having to do with you except my sister. She is the only thing left of you that I care about.
     First of all I would like to thank you for the moments where you were actually a good father. I will always be grateful for your stepping in when Derwin stepped out. But as I mentioned above, I am done with you. I am divorcing you and your memory. Derwin is a better father than you are right now and I haven't even heard from him in 7 years! I am fed up with the way you treat my mother, the way you treat my brother and the way you seem to believe you are always right. Which you aren't, by the way.
     You are one of the most stupid, hypocritical, vindictive and petty men I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. I can't believe that I used to respect you, that I used to look up to you for wisdom! I can't believe that I ever actually cared about what you thought. Those days are over now, because you destroyed any respect, love or other emotions I had for you besides pity and contempt.
     It is my sincerest wish that the Loving and Just God you claim to serve does the just thing with you and allows you to burn in Hell for all eternity. Though, even that seems to pleasant for you.
     You are the most disgusting excuse for a human being that I have EVER encountered. I hope everything you try to do in the name of God turns foul and that everyone turns against you.
     Godly, upright men do not do the things you are currently doing. They do not manipulate people, abuse their wives, leave their children in danger or follow God when it suits their purpose. You cannot use the Bible for your own selfish reasons. Godly men don't twist the Bible's words to make it fit so that they are not in sin. Your treatment of my mother is the most shameful thing I've ever seen. Your disregard of the safety and well-being of my sister is repulsive and the height of stupidity. Your actions toward myself are disturbing and even now make me feel sick to my stomach.
     You are a selfish, lying, contemptible bastard and I hate you. I'm done being nice and keeping my mouth shut. You are a Prick. I would absolutely love to tear your intestines out of your body through your dick and make you eat them. And, as aforementioned, I hope you rot in Hell for all time.

Sincerely,
Sarai Lillie

RIP (Aug. 26th, 2009)

Dear Grandpa,

I don't know what to say to you. I'm sorry that I haven't seen you in almost a year, I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye. I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you very much.

Thank you for being a wonderful grandfather and for sharing so much with me. I will always think of you when I watch a Paul Newman movie or listen to Frank Sinatra or watch an IU basketball game or pick up a copy of the HT.

I know this sounds really sappy and really childish, Grandpa, but I can't think of what else to say to you. It is going to be so hard for all of us, because we all are going to miss you so much.

I love you.
Sarai

I need to grow some proverbial balls.

Dear _____,

Once I would've tried to move Heaven and Earth to keep this friendship going. Once I would've given my life to keep yours going. It is pretty sad that now I could care less if this friendship works or fails, I could care less about your pathetic problems.

Reasons, I should give reasons shouldn't I? Since you will demand to know what the fuck my problem is. So I'll give you reasons and You'll argue them, but in the end, you know I am right and I am glad that we had this fight so that I know who you really are.

I could've forgiven you the fight we had. I could've forgiven the harsh words you said, saying I never gave a fuck when in reality it was you who never gave a fuck about me. I could've forgiven you, it would've taken time, but I could've done it.

But the unforgiveable thing was when I needed you most and you weren't there. You haven't even apologized for not being there. Let me fill you in, posting a blog 6 lines long announcing to the world that the person who probably meant the most to me died does not equal a personal message saying "I'm sorry for your loss". It can't equal a personal message or a hug or SOMETHING. It is kind of pathetic that my sorrow was all put into 6 short lines on a blog on MySpace. Oh, but I mustn't forget that there were 2 other short lines in a second blog all about you. Wow, 8 lines total. What a precious gift to me, how can I ever repay you?

And then when we finally do talk, you have the audacity to ask me what I've been up to. Hmm, let's think about this for just a moment. I just buried my grandfather and I'm so depressed I'm spending most of my time in bed with the blankets covering my head. And you want to know what I've been up to? Then you tell me that you did too send me condolences by writing the blog. I don't even know what to say to that.

If you had just lost your grandfather and I just ignored you for the entire time that you needed me and posted a blog about it that was 6 lines long you would be pretty pissed. You expect me to be there for you no matter what, you expect me to hold you when you cry, to be there no matter how small the drama. I can't do that anymore. I can't be there for you every five minutes when you can't be there for me at all.

And your excuse for not being there? "I am sorry that I was not there for you.. but like I told ___ I am not the best person to help you deal with that."

You are selfish, immature, childish and two-faced. I know it sounds really harsh, but I'm tired of the bullshit.

You claim to have grown up to fast, that you never had a childhood, but you act like a two year old all the time. I'm not going to say that I act like an adult all the time, because I don't, but even my own mother agrees that I have always acted older than my actual age. I didn't have a childhood and grew up to fast. Do you know what it is like to raise children? I do. I helped raise 4 of them. Do you know what it is like to have to take care of your mother because she is too sick to take care of you? I do. Do you know what it is like work your ass off doing little odd-jobs and then giving all of your money to your parents because what you make is just enough to pay a bill? I do. Have you ever paid a bill? I have.

Your mother pays for everything. You get new clothes and new bags and new shoes. Your mother pays the bills and feeds you. My step-father, as I got older, refused to purchase new clothes for us or new shoes. If we wanted some of the basic necessities we had to buy them ourselves. Did you know that my sophomore and junior year of high school I bought my school supplies with money I saved up from my birthday money? Have you ever had to do that? When you have done all of the things I have just listed then you will know what it is like to be an adult and can justly say that you are grown up.

You are childish because you never try to fix your own problems. Adults try to fix their problems not shove them on others and expect them to fix it. You lash out at the people that try to help you and cling to those who hurt you.

You are immature because you brag about how mature you are all the time. Maturity is not garnering praise for your maturity. You constantly cry to anyone who will listen, the world knows when you have a problem because all you do is complain about it. Maturity is leaning on a few friends who help you stand up when you feel weak, not falling to the floor and expecting everyone to lift you. Maturity is giving everything you have, even when you have little to give, and NOT expecting everyone to appreciate what you've done.

You are selfish because all you care about is you and your problems. You expect everyone to be there for you, but you aren't there when someone needs you. You expect everyone to listen to your pathetic problems, but you can't be bothered to listen to someone else's. You are so wrapped up in your own world that you don't have the time to see anyone else's problems but your own.

You are two-faced because you talk about your "best friend" behind her back ALL the time. Then you say that you two fight like a married couple. You don't even know what marriage is. You haven't even seen enough of your parent's marriage to know what marriage is! Your parents were divorced when you were really little. Donnie and I fight like a married couple. Because we are practically married as is. My friend Sarah W. and her husband fight like a married couple. You and _______ do NOT fight like a married couple. Married couples don't go behind their spouses backs and insinuate that they are prostitues, or call them cunts, or blame them for car accidents, or treat each other like shit. That isn't how marriage works.

You don't know anything about life and you will never grow up.

In a way I'm glad that all of this has happened. The past two weeks have really shown me your true colors and made me realize just how tired of the bullshit I really am.

I do still love you. I think I love the memories of you more than anything. I just don't think I can work this friendship out with you. Not unless you suddenly grow up. Maybe getting knocked on your ass will help, I don't know. Please refrain from writing me about anything anymore, because if you can't be there for me, I'm afraid I can't be there for you.

Sincerely,
Sarai

Dear ________,

Dear ________,
I hate you. My soul and heart are filled to the brim with venom and bile that YOU created. You are a monster, a pathetic waste of flesh in this universe.

I can't believe I loved you once. I can't believe I looked up to you. I LOVED You! To think that I could love a creep like you. Well, I guess it is possible, I mean I did date a child molester. But you are the worse because at least he admitted to what he was accused of. You are the worst of reprobates, the king of filth, a true servant of your "God", Satan. For no "Christian" would love and worship Lucifer as tenderly as you have. Did you let him fuck you too? Or are you saving yourself for when you go to Hell?

You are a hypocrite, a liar, a rapist, an abuser, a self-righteous asshole and worse. They don't get lower than you.

You purposefully put your child in danger, abuse your step-children, rape your wife and then go to church and profess the love of God. You make me sick. I want to throw up whenever you are near. Your false kindness is enough to make even Satan gag. Your lies and deeds are what they use to teach new demons in Hell. You are a shining example of all the worst in Christianity. I hate how I can't even stand to hear your name spoken.

If _____ is right, and God sent you to us, then God is a cruel bastard. Because no one, NO ONE, deserves to be put through your Hell. Not even the worst murderer on Death Row deserves you.

I hate how you've turned ________ against us and turned her into a brainwashed brat. You are SO disgusting to turn a child against a mother who did everything in her power to take care of her.

I can't understand why she ever let you into our lives. You make me feel worthless and stupid, guilty for being a woman and DISGUSTED with my own belief system because YOU taught it to me!

You should listen to a song called "I Get It" by Chevelle. It reminds me of you and _____. You think you are so good, so Godly, but ______ is Godlier than you. Dahmer at his WORST was Godlier than you and he was raping, murdering and eating boys! I shouldn't be surprised though. How is sex with _____? I hope you choke while you are swallowing his sperm. I hope you are infected with a million incurable diseases and die a horrific death.

You know, I've had offers to have you killed? People beg with me to let them make you disappear. And, if it wouldn't hurt ______ (because she still loves you, though not even God knows why) and _______, I would let them. I would gleefully watch your pathetic life extinguished. Oh, I'm sorry, am I using too many big words?

Fuck you, fuck what you stand for and all your bullshit.

I hope your colon gets punctured while _______ fucks you and you die from internal bleeding.

Sarai

Another "Dear" Letter

Dear ___ or _____ or Any other Jack-Ass with a Dick,

Please do one of the following to yourself:

* Fuck yourself in the ass with a razor-wire dildo.

* Rip your intestines out of your dick and eat them.

* Take a high dive with piano wire wrapped around your throat.

* Get ass raped by a huge biker dude with "Mom" tattooed on his arm and a fresh case of Gonorrhea, Herpes, Syphilis and AIDS.

* Get killed by a serial killer who eats their victims while they are still alive.

or...

* Get stabbed in the genitals repeatedly by a strung out whore with a rabid porcupine in heat.

Sincerely,
Sarai.

P.S. No! I'm not pissed off at you at all! Do me a favor? Choke on a penis and die. ^^

P.P.S. I hope your penis breaks every time you try to fuck a girl.

To my Father

Do you ever wonder? Does your mind ever drift towards mine in the darkness of the night? Do you ever think about what it would've been like to watch us grow up? To watch us change and mature, take wing like silken butterflies on a summer breeze?

Or do you just lie on your bed in your cell, listening to your cellmate masturbate and wonder how you ended up where you are now?

Does it suck knowing that you have two children all grown up somewhere, you don't even know where? Do you ever wish that you were here, or do you just pretend that we don't exist? Believe it or not, we do exist.

Do you still care? Did you even care to begin with?

I wonder. My mind often drifts toward wherever yours may reside, drifting over endless seas of darkness and time. I try not to think about what it would've been like to have a father to be there for me. And now, we are adults, unlike those butterflies because we have no wings with which to fly. I can't stand to think about you some days, it's like watching a bloody sunrise and wishing the dead back to life.

It sucks knowing that you never got to watch us grow up, that you don't even know where we are right now. It sucks because we don't know where you are either. I wish you were here, I can't deny your existence no matter how hard I try.

I still care. I have always cared. I miss You.

Hung Up On Bitter-Sweet

Dear _____,

I wanted to write you a letter, to explain what I'm feeling right now, but I can't bring myself to enter into the beauty that is your life now. I don't understand any of it, I loved you so much. I don't understand why you ended up with her, but I hear that you are happy, I know you have a child now. I can't help but think sometimes that that child might have been mine had things been very different. We could've been happy, but you never said anything, you never spoke to me or told me how you felt. Why didn't you speak up? I know you cared for me too! You expressed it in so many unspoken ways and I thought, finally, someone looked beyond the flesh and saw the me that was sitting inside the prison of my body. But I guess not now. I guess that was just another lie in a long list of sins.

I wanted to tell you how much I hate to hear your name now because I feel like crying every time I think about you. I wanted to tell you all the feelings welling up inside of me and why they are there. I wish I could, but I can't bring myself to hurt her like that. Even though we haven't been friends in years, I can't help but try to be kind to her. I loved her once, you know. I called her friend at one time, before all of this has fallen onto the jagged rocks of reality. I just don't understand you. I know the reasons, I hate the reasons. Why did you ask him, when you must have known what he would say? I would have given it all up, you know. I would've given up all those dreams, all those hopes if you had said something. I hate that you never actually spoke up, professed some feelings for me. Why?

Instead, here I am, heart-broken thinking about the times we had together, when you actually seemed to care. I have to know, I want to know. Do you love her? Or did you marry her because they said she was perfect for you? Do you treat her well? Does she love you or did she just marry you because you were perfect too? And why is it wrong to believe like I do? Why should belief tear people apart when it should bring them together? I don't regret not having you, I am in love with someone now, but it still hurts so. Some days it's like you tore my heart out and then shoved it back upside down and backwards. You can't force a square into a circle and you can't force my heart back in when you've already disfigured it like you have.

So, I guess this is goodbye, love. I am slowly getting over you and the pain that I didn't know could exist. Did you know that sometimes the longing for someone you loved so passionately once can put a bitter taste on the world until even the beautiful things that you have going have that bitter-sweetness to them? Do you still love me? Did you ever really care about me or did I just imagine that you actually loved me once? I wish I could ask, but I don't want to destroy what you have. Maybe we never would've been happy, maybe we wouldn't have lasted long, but God, I wish I had at least had that chance to find out. I don't understand why it hurts so much, I really don't. I do love him, he is amazing. He is sweet and loving and smart. He is everything that you were and yet different and brilliant with his own mix of spice and sweet. There is pain and there is joy and I don't understand why I'm still so hung up on the pain you caused.

Dearest of hearts, I know it wasn't meant to be. Don't worry, I'm going to be okay. I wish you happiness with her. I sincerely hope that you love her, that you actually care and that you are kind to her. I love you enough to let you go this last time, even though I never really wanted to in the first place.

Sincerely and best wishes.
_____ _. ______