Impossible

Dear ___,
You have made it terribly difficult to trust. You have made it impossible to not question, not fear, not loathe. You brought this side of me to life.

Did you hate me the entire time? Or is it just now? I can't believe anything you say. You are a liar. A pathological pervert.

Did you touch me? Did you do something to me? Those nights, when I woke up and discovered that my night-shirt had been unbuttoned and pushed to the sides, was that you?

What is this hatred that you have kindled inside of me? What am I?

I am so sick of myself. So sick of men. So sick of YOU. I can think of innumerable things I'd rather do than see you again. I can imagine numerous horrors I'd rather face than you. And you have always had the audacity to try and force your way back into my heart.

You are a worm. Lower than a worm. You disgust me. You frighten me. You make me sick. You force me to look back on our lives and see the torture marks. The scars you have left still bleed periodically. Even if you pretend they don't exist. Its almost funny, you denying all the pain you caused. Its almost humorous. Almost.

I think of our days together. I think of those times. You are a poison and I'm pushing my veins full of anti-venom. I'm trying to flush you out of my system and I can't do it. I can't rid my heart of your taproot. It is stupid that you can still make me feel like this still.

You made flying an impossibility. You dragged me out of the sky and staked me to the ground. You banished me to the darkness, left me to wither without the sun. You made love a risk. You made living a hazard. You sank all the dreams, tied me down with weights so that I would drown.

You clipped my wings so that I'd have no desire to leave the earth. Does it bother you that they have grown back?

To my unborn daughter/son

Note: I am not pregnant, nor do I foresee myself being pregnant in the near or distant future, but if I ever had children this what I would say to them.

To my dear daughter/son,
The world is an odd place, dear one. It will infuriate you, dazzle you, sadden you and hurt you. It will be cruel, conniving and flippant. And it will be beautiful, sweet and constant. You've been born into a world of contrasts dear one. It is a world of contradictions. Life is a contradiction. But it is worth it. Even if it is painful.

I want you to have the same passion for life that I do. I want you to embrace the world and all its contradictions. I want you to be willing to learn, willing to make mistakes and fall down. I want you to have a thirst for knowledge, a desire to learn, a hunger for anything new and different.

I want you to be respectful of other people's differences. I want you to experience all there is so that you can best decide who you want to be. I want you to be whatever you want to be! I want you to experiment and not be afraid to explore. I want you to kiss the lips of gods on pedestals, I want you to soar.

Most of all, my love, I want you to know how much your mother loves you. I love you more than life itself. More than all the stars in the sky. And I want to teach you how to say I love you and mean it, not just because someone else says it to you. I want you to speak elegantly, plainly, respectfully. I want you to mean what you say and say what you mean, no matter what anyone else says those are two different things.

I want you to know that you will never be merely pretty or merely handsome. You will be intelligent, you will be amazing, you will be creative, you will be passionate. You will be beautiful, inside and out no matter what anyone says. And I'm not just saying that because I am your mother.

I want you to be comfortable in your own skin. You only get one body in this lifetime. Be kind to it. Don't abuse it like I did. Love it, cherish it, make it something you are proud of. Be proud of yourself! Love who you are! Cut your hair, don't shave your legs, get tattoos or pierce your nose. Its YOUR body! Be comfortable in it. Embrace who you are and don't let anyone else say you aren't beautiful.

When the time comes, I want you to be comfortable enough to come to me before you give your body to someone else. I promise not to judge you. I promise to tell you the truth. I promise to not spare your feelings if I feel you are making a poor decision. And I promise to do it with love. I promise to always love you, no matter who you give yourself to. I promise to accept whoever you are. I promise to stand behind you when you truly believe in something and even when you don't.

Most of all, dear one, I promise to be here for you, no matter what. Because I love you and I will always love you. No matter what you do or where you go. I will adore, cherish and love you. More than love you, though there is no word to describe it.

Love,
Your mother, Sarai.